As the holidays approach, many of us feel the weight of both joy and longing, especially when someone we love is no longer fully present in the ways they once were. For families living with dementia or Alzheimer’s, what was once a time filled with laughter, gatherings, and joyful memories can instead bring sadness, stress, and a profound sense of absence. Dementia and Alzheimer’s disease, though different in definition, can leave family members and close friends with a deep and lingering sense of loss, even while their loved one is still with them. Watching someone you love slowly fade away can be emotionally devastating.

While others may sympathize, they rarely see what you’re experiencing as true grief. This kind of sorrow, pain that goes unacknowledged or unsupported, is known as disenfranchised grief.

The holiday season adds another layer of complexity, one that can deeply affect everyone involved. Caregivers often feel pulled in every direction, trying to maintain family traditions while providing care and ensuring safety. Even with the help of wonderful organizations that educate families about these diseases, processing the emotional toll can remain overwhelming.

A common misunderstanding when supporting families through dementia or Alzheimer’s is applying the Five Stages of Grief model. While it’s a valuable framework for those facing their own death, it’s not as useful for the living griever, the family member who is mourning ongoing, gradual loss.

Grief is a normal and natural reaction to change. As dementia progresses, roles shift, children become caregivers, and familiar patterns of family life dissolve. Recognizing and accepting this change is the first step in emotional healing.

Most of us aren’t equipped to deal with this kind of grief. Friends and family often mean well, but their sympathy or advice can unintentionally minimize what we feel. Being told not to feel bad or to “stay positive” doesn’t help. It can even make us suppress our emotions instead of expressing them. While support groups can reduce isolation, they don’t always provide tools to truly process our emotional pain.

As the holidays approach, these feelings, loss, frustration, loneliness, tend to intensify. How, then, can we navigate this season with compassion and balance? It often starts with understanding where our pain comes from. Healing begins by looking backward. Before we can accept our loved one’s current condition, we may need to take a moment to reflect on the relationship as it once was.

Ask yourself:
Are there any unspoken words or unmet expectations?
Are there memories, good or bad, that still need acknowledgment?

Even seemingly minor moments can weigh heavily on our hearts. If your relationship was positive, have you ever told your loved one how much they meant to you, how their interests or sacrifices shaped your life? If your relationship was more difficult, have you ever expressed how their actions or silence affected you? The Grief Recovery Method® offers practical steps to identify and voice these unspoken emotions, both the major and the subtle.

Once you’ve faced unfinished business from the past, it’s time to process your grief over the new relationship, one defined by the illness rather than shared history. Moving from “what once was” to “what is,” from sharing to caring, can be deeply painful. Even if you’re not the primary caregiver, witnessing the gradual decline of someone you love is a heartbreaking journey.

Many of us have been taught to push feelings down and “be strong.” But true strength comes from facing pain, not avoiding it. The Grief Recovery Method provides a structured way to do this, offering genuine emotional release and the clarity to handle daily caregiving challenges.

When you are not burdened by unresolved emotional pain, you can be more present, patient, and loving. There’s no magic wand for removing unresolved emotional pain. Medication may ease symptoms temporarily, but it cannot heal the heart. Real recovery requires courage, conscious effort, and compassionate support. Working with a Certified Grief Recovery Specialist can help you take meaningful steps toward healing.

When you ask yourself, “Who do I need to be there for?”, the answer is simple: “To care for your loved one.” However, to do this, you must first care for yourself. When you nurture your own emotional health, you become more resilient, compassionate, and capable of offering real “in the moment” support.

The holidays can still hold warmth and meaning, with realistic expectations and thoughtful adjustments.

Here are a few ways to reduce stress and honour both yourself and your loved one:

• Limit chaos and overstimulation.
  • Attempt to maintain familiar routines and environments whenever possible.
  • Commit to planning ahead with family members to avoid confusion.
  • Consider ordering meals or doing a potluck instead of cooking yourself.
  • Keep everyone informed about your loved one’s current condition.
  • Celebrate earlier in the day to avoid sundowning triggers.
  • Keep conversations calm and simple.
  • Don’t force logic or explanations, meet your loved one where they are.
  • If they can’t attend, create a photo memory book for them to enjoy.
  • Simplify traditions to reduce pressure.
  • Don’t rely solely on technology (i.e. Zoom) unless support is available.
  • Keep familiar traditions or adapt new ones that feel manageable.
  • Encourage your loved one to participate as much as possible.
  • And most importantly, move self-care up on your own priority list.

“Surviving the holidays” has become a common phrase. You deserve more than survival. 

You deserve peace, connection, and the freedom to feel. By resolving unfinished emotions from the past, you can show up differently, as a caregiver, child, spouse, or friend. You can remember your loved one with gratitude instead of only with feelings of grief.

Dementia, Alzheimer’s, and grief often come as a package, but healing is possible. Grief doesn’t end, it evolves. The more we face it honestly, the more room we create for compassion, connection, and even joy.

This holiday season, give yourself permission to grieve, to rest, to remember, and to heal. Your heart, and your loved one, will feel the difference.

For more information about our grief program, or any of our mental health services, call us at 519.302.2300 or email reception@brantmentalhealth.com