Going through a separation is a challenging and emotionally draining experience, regardless of your feelings around separating. Something that has become all the more challenging in this current financial climate, is that many couples are unable to afford to manage two separate households and have to make the difficult decision to continue living in the same residence, whether that is a short or long term need. Whilst financial considerations seem to be the main reason for couples to continue living together post-separation, there are other reasons people may opt to choose this for their family, some of those reasons could included: To co-parent more easily:  this may also help to reduce the need for child care fees if both parents are willing to share the responsibility of being with their children while the other parent works. Maybe the couple had agreed that one parent should stay home with the children, and they want to continue to honour that agreement for the benefit of their children. This can also be a good decision for the family so that the children get to consistently remain in their home where they are comfortable. If the living arrangement is safe (physically and emotionally) it can be good to offer children the stability of being in their space with their parents co-parenting. Location: perhaps the residence was chosen for specific reasons to do with proximity to work, children’s schooling and other conveniences. It might be challenging to find another place within that neighbourhood and so the decision may be made to stay in the same home for convenience. An inability to decide on next steps: going through a separation is difficult on both parties, there are a lot of considerations and decisions to be made, and moving is a big one. Sometimes both people will make a decision not to make any hasty decisions when it comes to their living arrangements until the other steps of the separation are underway. This can be for practical or emotional reasons. If you find yourself considering this type of arrangement, or are currently in this arrangement, here are some tips to be aware of as you navigate through this process: Acknowledge it is a delicate balance navigating, Establish, together, clear boundaries, roles, spaces- ie. household chores, physical "private" space, Discuss reasonable financial plans remembering to be clear and concise, Increased communication is key, focus on being planful and intentional, Consider seeking professional support as you navigate this situation. Emotions and communication can be explored with the support of a person with experience in the field, Understand that feeling "confused" emotionally is a part of grieving the relationship, Have clear and kind discussions about the future, Be clear with family/friends and reflect on what you would like them to be aware of and what you do not wish to discuss (boundaries) and set realistic plans for sharing this, Provide yourself space to grieve and empathize that your partner, family and friends are likely experiencing [...]

In my practice as a social worker providing counselling and psychotherapy, a large number of my clients, especially during the start of the school year, are teens. In the last 2-3 years, I have seen more teens than ever choose to seek counseling and therapy on their own by either asking their parents to seek help for them or finding services themselves. For all of the criticisms and worries placed upon teens today, I believe that many deserve credit for electing to take care of their mental health without fear or care of judgment/stigma. That being said, what often persists is parents who do not know how to support their teen through counselling/therapy by either disregarding the help available and/or intruding into the counselling/therapy process once their teen has begun receiving services. Most often, parents have the best of intentions in helping their child seek and receive mental health support, but simply do not know how to best support them in this process. Below are what I believe to be essential Do’s and Don’ts when supporting a teen in the counselling/therapy process and additional suggestions on how to best support them through the process of receiving help and improving their mental health. ‘Don’ts’ in Supporting Your Teen in Counselling/Therapy Shame or threaten When a teen begins experiencing  thoughts, feelings, and/or behaviours that are concerning, it can become not only stressful for the teen themselves but others in the household as well. Due to the stress parents and other family members may experience in relation to a teen’s mental health issues, it’s not uncommon for parents to attempt to force their teen to go to counselling. I have even seen parents threaten their teen into going to counseling (E.g., ‘If you don’t go to counselling we will take away your computer’). Such threats and actions are not only counterintuitive, but can make a teens mental health worse in addition to them forming feelings such as distrust and resentment towards their parent(s), leading to additional mental health issues that exacerbate already existing issues. Disregard the importance of Consistency in Counselling Another common behaviour I see parents make  is either disregarding or getting too comfortable with how consistently their child attends appointments. As I tell clients of all ages, counselling and therapy is very similar to physiotherapy in that, in order to ‘have therapy work’ and see consistent results and improvements, one has to be consistent with attending and participating in appointments. If clients, especially teens and young adults, do not attend sessions consistently, they are essentially wasting their time and resources and won’t see significant results/progression, if any, just as in a practice like physiotherapy. In physiotherapy, for example, a person may be seeking those services for something like a muscle injury or weakness. In this scenario, for a client to heal and gain strength, they must attend treatment sessions consistently and also do their ‘homework’ (exercises) outside of the physiotherapy office (in counselling, this would be [...]

Grief is a part of life, and often said to be “the price we pay for love”. We will all experience losing people and things we have loved. We know that supporting our children and adolescents through these life experiences will help them to grieve in healthy ways. So, how can we do this? Tell them the truth: When someone or something has died, it is important to give our children the correct information about what has happened, using simple language, and keeping in mind their developmental age. By telling them openly what has happened, some of the fear around talking about death is lessened. It also will let your children know you can and are able to talk about it. Seek out support if you need help to do this. Recognize that children do grieve: Grief will look differently in children according to their developmental age, personality, life experience, etc., as well as the closeness of the relationship with person or pet that has died. Expect that children’s emotions may be expressed through their behaviour rather than through their words. Expect that reactions to the loss will change over time, over months and years, and questions may emerge later. Similar to the process for adults, children’s experience of the loss will be unique to them and based on the context of their own lives. Allow your child to express their feelings: Allowing your child to express their feelings and thoughts without having expectations of how you think they should behave is key in supporting them. For example, some people may not cry when grieving. For your child, normalize a wide range of emotional reactions, such as feeling angry, sad, confused, upset, relief, numb, or shocked. Validate that all of these different feelings are OK. Answer questions honestly and at an age-appropriate level. Provide opportunities for sharing memories. Help your child to self soothe and provide soothing reassurance where you can. Anticipate that new concerns may emerge: This may include new fears, such as anxiety about illness, or a fear of death. This is a common reaction in children and they will require reassurance from you that both you and they are safe. Knowing your own child is important: if you see a change in behaviour, or their fears become persistent, consider seeking out the support of a mental health professional or your family Dr. Although grief is a natural and normal process, children can get “stuck” in their grief, and develop unhelpful patterns of behaviour and thoughts. Keep routines and structure in place: Especially when the loss brings change to your children’s lives. Creating stability through maintaining predictability where possible is a way to help provide emotional calm and a feeling of safety for your children. Children will also be reacting to the emotions and behaviours of people around them and may be more prone to becoming dysregulated in an emotionally charged environment. Call on friends and family for support for your children and [...]

What does it mean to be a highly sensitive person? An extract from Sensitive by Jenn Granneman and Andre Sólo, “No matter what you call it, sensitivity is defined as the ability to perceive, process, and respond deeply to one’s environment. This ability happens at two levels: (1) perceiving information from the senses (sight, smell, hearing, taste and touch) and (2) thinking about that information thoroughly or finding many connections between it and other memories, knowledge, or ideas.” People who are sensitive do more of both. They naturally pick up more information from their environment, process it more deeply, and are ultimately more shaped by it. Much of this deep processing happens unconsciously and many sensitive people aren’t even aware that they do it. A better word for sensitive might be responsive. If you are a sensitive person, your body and mind respond more to the world around you. You respond more to heartbreak, pain and loss, but you also respond more to beauty, new ideas and joy. You go deep where others only skim the surface. You keep thinking when others have given up and moved on to something else. Sensitive is synonymous with oversensitive, explains Granneman, and HSPs are often told they should “be less sensitive”. Yet it’s impossible to change the reactivity of one’s nervous system. It’s like trying to be less tall. Mental health support can help HSPs develop coping skills, maintain appropriate boundaries, navigate relationships, and build upon the strengths of their nervous system. Instead of “I wish I didn’t react this way or that way” instead, lead with genuine curiosity, “Hmm, that’s interesting, I wonder why I had to react this way or that way.” Curiosity provides us more support to understand how we are interacting with our environment and allows for more movement where judgment works to keep us in shame where it is easier to get stuck and harder to move forward. Highly sensitive person traits may include: Sensitivity to lights and sounds Sensitivity to caffeine and medications Feelings of being overwhelmed by crowded places Feeling more drained than others after spending time with people Affected by the energy and moods of the people around them Startling easily Difficulty with transitions and change Avoiding extreme or perpetual acts of violence in television and movies Clinical psychologist Fergus Kane comments about how children that are highly sensitive might struggle with particular fabrics touching their skin or are distressed about challenges on the school playground. Parents might find the term of highly sensitive person more helpful than a label of “a difficult child” – in the pursuit of wanting to understand their children, and advocate for them. How to Support a Loved One or Ourselves: Do’s and Don’ts: The overall message of support for a friend or loved one is to not say that they are overly sensitive or too sensitive. Statements like these are harmful because it is a judgement and makes an assumption that the person can [...]

A lot of feelings may arise as August 31st draws near. At this point many of us may have lost a loved one to overdose, or we know someone who has. As the drug crisis continues in our community, many of us see the effects of drug use in our neighbourhoods every day. August 31st is International Overdose Awareness Day, when people around the world gather to remember those who have been lost and collaborate to end death due to overdose. No community is immune and overdose and related deaths are felt in our community, where we experience these issues at rates significantly higher than the provincial average. The good news is that overdose is preventable. Some ways that we can keep ourselves, our loved ones, and community members safe include: Getting educated on the signs of an overdose Treating any suspected overdose as a medical emergency and contacting 911 Carrying and learning how to use naloxone to reverse an opioid overdose Not using more than one substance at a time Using drug checking kits when available Not using alone Another way to keep ourselves, loved ones and community members safe is to keep ourselves educated with understanding addiction. Addiction is a chronic disease that affects both brain function and structure. The release of Dopamine interacts with Glutamate in the brain and hijacks its process of reward-related learning. This key system is responsible for sustaining life, as it links activities needed for human survival with reward and pleasure. Translation? Addiction can build pathways in the brain that link the addictive behaviour to a need for survival. Ways in which you can support a loved one struggling with addiction: Obtain your own support. Al-Anon and Nar-Anon are just two of several support groups available. This is especially important in terms of freeing yourself of blame and not taking it personally. There are several treatment options that can effectively treat addiction. Encourage your loved one to speak with their family doctor to access support. Do not criticize or threaten. You cannot force them to quit, but you can be a source of strength and positive encouragement. Expect setbacks. The road to recovery is not straight and flat. There will be difficulties and detours. Educate yourself on addiction and if applicable what to expect with treatment. For people who use substances who are thinking about cutting down or quitting, there is support available.  In Brantford and Brant County, SOAR Community Services offers free counselling and withdrawal management support. For outpatient counselling call 519 754 0253 and for withdrawal management call 610 753 6222. SOAR staff also provide support onsite at the Rapid Access Addiction Medicine Clinic (RAAM); you can walk-in at 320 Colborne Street East anytime during RAAM hours (Tuesday 9 am – 6 pm, Wednesday 9 am – 1 pm, and Friday 9 am – 3 pm). SOAR also provides safe use supplies, including naloxone, at both their 133 Elgin and 225 Fairview Drive, Unit 1, locations [...]

The information in this article is largely taken from the work and approach of Peter Levine, PhD- Somatic Experiencing. Freud correctly surmised that both the imprints of horrible experiences as well as the antidote and catalyst for transformation exist within our bodies. He said, “The mind has forgotten but the body has not- thankfully”. In a way, time, connection and movement can feel different and shifted with the impact of experiencing sexual assault. Our minds continue on and our bodies become trapped in an immobility loop. Life may at some point return to a semblance of normal on the outside, however, when feeling stressed or in conflict, your body might still respond as it did when in crisis. Therapy can support exploration of your connection to your body by reliving body sensations so that feelings can be physically felt and eventually replaced by the emergence of a new feeling or sensation that is grounded in support and safety. There are ways that our minds have rationalized events so that we can still function and our thoughts are not consumed and yet our bodies accurately remember what was and is real. In some cases, behaviour symptoms may not emerge for 6 months to 2 years and may only manifest after another traumatic event occurs. People who are traumatized constrict and brace against their rage, suppressing. Tremendous amounts of energy need to be exerted to keep rage and other raw emotions at bay. This turning in of anger against the self and the need to defend against its eruption leads to debilitating shame and eventual exhaustion. The physical sensations of immobility by themselves evoke fear. The inability to exit from the immobility response generates unbearable frustrations, shame and self-hatred. For many wounded individuals the body has become the enemy- in many ways they become cut off from the primal sensations, instincts and feelings arising from the interior of their bodies. Therapy can help a person to find their way home to their bodily sensations and capacity to self soothe- which has been violently taken from them. It is important to honour and avoid judgment when it comes to current coping habits as they have been necessary to implement for survival. When we begin to open gradually to accepting our intense sensations, we enhance the capability for healthy aggression, pleasure and goodness. Restoring a sense of balance in our bodies and learning to be in relationship with it again. How to support a friend or loved one who is a survivor of sexual assault: · Find specialized support and resources to offer or find with your friend/loved one o There are many people, centres and groups who are professionally and highly trained to specifically assist victims of sexual violence and assault. Tailored support is crucial for both immediate and long-term care and recovery. · Don’t blame them in any way, ever. o It is important to be very mindful about how anything you say can be interpreted or [...]

Infidelity can feel like a lightning bolt. It's as if a tornado has blown away all of the wonderful emotions in the relationship, leaving you feeling empty. You struggle to recognize your substantial contributions to the relationship, the sacrifices you made for the family, and the ensuing anguish, sadness, and betrayal. Your emotional roller coaster is flying back in time to find the missing component of the relationship. You begin to blame yourself for letting it happen. You begin to examine your own flaws as the source of the infidelity. Your self-worth is being questioned. This bucket of negative underlying emotions causes you to develop a negative thought pattern. However, if you have decided to reconcile with your spouse in order to explore new positive directions in your relationship, this is completely fine. When healing and deciding to reconcile with your spouse, the following points can be helpful; Acceptance and forgiveness:  Give yourself time to analyze your feelings and thoughts. Do not rush to accept, only to reconcile. Yes, acceptance is an important step, but you must focus on how you feel in order to accept the situation. Acceptance comes with the responsibility to forgive. Forgiving your partner for infidelity is essential for accepting the circumstances and preparing to move forward. Forgiveness can be painful, but it will help you heal. Forgiving a betrayal may feel like crushing your feelings, but it is a necessary component of the healing process. Forgiveness will help you empathize with your partner. It will provide you with an open platform to better comprehend how your partner is feeling. It will be beneficial to have the opportunity while working on rebuilding trust. Forgiving your partner is not a momentary decision; you must choose forgiveness every time an infidelity-related thought appears to you. To help oneself heal, you must create a secure and supportive environment. Resentment is difficult and hurtful; remember that you are choosing to forgive to heal, not only to reconcile with your partner.  Communication: Communication is key. It is critical to express your expectations to your partner so that they can help you during the healing process. You may have many inquiries concerning the affair. When discussing the affair with your spouse, talk about establishing boundaries. Ask your partner about the details of the affair, including your intentions and emotions. While you're doing so, remember to ask your partner whether it's a suitable time to talk. Your partner is equally distraught over the cheating incident. Respect your partner's boundaries, and seek their approval or permission to talk about the affair. Avoid getting involved in the process of gathering information about the affair. Instead of surrendering to the negative cycle, focus on gathering details to aid in recovery. Remember that more detailed information about the affair may harm you and create triggers in the future. Maintain an open communication environment in your relationship, allowing your spouse to freely choose whether to offer in-depth details while considering your feelings. To [...]

What are ACEs? Adverse childhood experiences (ACEs) are negative or traumatic experiences that occur between the ages of 0-17 years old. These experiences are likely to impact the wellbeing of a child throughout their life leading to mental health challenges, and barriers to success when not addressed with proper care. The severity of ACEs ranges significantly; every child will process experiences differently and therefore prevention is critical to the healthy development of a child's mind. Examples of possible ACEs include: - Abuse (sexual, verbal or physical) - Bullying - Discrimination - Witnessing violence or substance use - Loss of a loved one - Disrupted living situations Who Is At Risk? While not commonly discussed, many adults face the repercussions of ACEs knowingly, or unknowingly. Traumatic childhood experiences can lead to long term struggles with mental health disorders such as depression and other mood disorders, anxiety, eating disorders and substance use disorders. All children are at risk of experiencing ACEs however, some children are at higher risk than others. Risk Factors that may put your child at greater risk of ACEs include: - Financial instability - Exposure to substance use - Socioeconomic challenges - Instability due to parent separation - Exposure to violence - Exposure to parental and familial mental health issues - Being an ethnic or racial minority Protective Factor: Protective Factors are events or experiences that help individuals cope with stressful or traumatic events. Having protective factors in your child's life can lower the risk of experiencing ACEs and mitigate long term adverse effects of these experiences. Protective factors include: - Healthy supportive relationships with parents - Strong emotional literacy and communication skills within the home - Strong support systems outside of the home (teachers, mentors/coaches, social workers) - Stable housing - Financial stability Prevention: The good news is that with proper care and knowledge the negative outcomes of ACEs are preventable, and with treatment, do not always lead to long term challenges. Creating stable nurturing environments for children in and outside of the home can prevent ACEs and help your child thrive. While individuals at every age are affected by traumatic experiences, the developing mind of a child absorbs all experiences as part of their mental foundation which influences how a child perceives and reacts to situations throughout their life. A child who has developed a healthy foundation and has strong protective factors will be more equipped to thrive as an adult regardless of ACEs. Ways in which you can prevent ACEs at home include using kind words and tone with your child, using non-violent disciplinary methods, teaching emotional literacy/communication skills, and engaging your child in community mentorship programs or sports teams to build confidence, learn new skills, and learn from other positive role models. It’s Going To Be Ok: You might now be worried about your child, or concerned that your own ACEs have impacted you negatively throughout your life, while ACEs can negatively impact an individual, it is important to remember [...]

It’s not uncommon for parents of teens to have some apprehension and concern when their teen enters the world of dating and romantic relationships. From worries that their son or daughter is going to no longer have time for themselves, their family, and responsibilities , to knowing how teens approach dating and helping them navigate the complexities of it can be daunting. It’s important for both parents and teens to be aware of what I call ‘key ingredients’ to healthy and successful teen relationships. If these ingredients are learned and implemented, or are already present, a parent can then breathe easy as their teen learns how to navigate dating and romantic relationships. The Key Ingredients include: Importance of Friendship and Being in a Relationship for the Right Reasons: Just as in any healthy adult relationship, the core foundation of a healthy teen relationship must lie in friendship. Healthy friendships consist of shared values (not just hobbies), including such elements as: Having similar world views, Dedication to school studies, Trust and loyalty, Non-judgemental and good communication, Good listening skills, Being fun to be around, Honesty, Empathy, Open-mindedness, Dependability. These shared values can of course be developed further, as no relationship is perfect. For example, trust is truly something that is established over time as a teenage couple learns more about each other and navigates the ups and downs of a relationship, like better communication and consistent honesty and openness with each other. Encouraging teens to be mindful of why they are choosing to date someone is also essential when it comes to teens having healthy romantic relationships. Just as with adults, we want our teens to be aware of when they may be dating someone simply for the ‘sake of dating someone’ (due to social pressures or feeling lonely), or if they are dating someone because they truly find them attractive in several ways and feel they would be/are a healthy person for them to navigate a romantic relationship with. This can be a difficult task for particularly younger teens who are entering their first relationship as they may not quite know the differences between pure physical attraction and overall attraction.  “As a parent, monitoring a teens first relationship, from a healthy distance, but with consistent and respectful communication can help a teen navigate and learn where their attraction lies and if their new partner truly shares values with them or not.” Communication: Apps like Snapchat, Instagram, Discord and TikTok are fun, and at times, are appropriate ways for teens to chat and interact with each other, whether between friends or those in a dating relationship. These apps are a great way to stay connected when seeing each other in person or video/phone chatting isn’t an option, but what teens often refer to and ‘IRL’ (‘in real life’) time spent together, can be lacking in today’s teen relationships. Many benefits of spending time together and communicating ‘IRL’ are essential to healthy dating and development overall. One [...]

Already we are mid way through July and marching through the days of summer with haste. If you are a parent of a school aged child(ren), this means at least six more weeks of summer vacation for them! Time off can be a wonderful thing to have and appreciate, but the reality is that it can also be stressful. Being out of routine, having to come up with creative childcare arrangements, trying to find activities that everyone will enjoy are some of the challenges that parents face this time of year. The following are some ideas to help you navigate the final weeks of summer, while also remembering to have some fun yourself. 1. Take time to plan some fun activities with family and friends: This is a good time to make plans to connect with others who are important to you. Talk with your children about some of the things they would like to do, and plan things to look forward to. Create a visual calendar so your family can see what is coming up. Game nights, movie nights, picnics, bike rides, park visits, library visits and nature walks are some of the ways you can spend quality time together without having to venture far from home or spend too much money. 2. Be aware of overuse of screen time: We know that increased screen time for both children and adults can lead to increased difficulties with mood and well being. Physical activity, being outside in daylight and being in nature are all known to improve mood and increase mental well being. Modelling these activities in your own life, and including your children in these activities, is a way to move away from spending too much time on devices and have more balance. Find other interests to encourage and grow in your children, for example, in the areas of art, sports, culture and community. 3. Have a structure in place for the day and the week: If you don’t already have one in place, take some time to plan how you would like the days to flow, a basic routine, what tasks need to be done on a daily or weekly basis, as well as the role of family members in those responsibilities. Include children in taking on household tasks according to their age and abilities. 4. Focus on developing life skills with your children based on their needs: For example, teach your children self care skills such as remembering to stay hydrated during hot days, prioritizing getting enough sleep, and having activities they can do to unwind. Set goals around skills for independence that your child would like to achieve, with your support, such as getting dressed and brushing their teeth for younger children, or studying to get their license, for older youth. Work on helping children to learn to regulate emotions by teaching them coping skills, such as using mindfulness, breathing techniques, taking breaks, and asking for help. 5. Make time for [...]