Are you or someone you know grieving? This article is to help you understand how to help yourself heal during the holiday season, or how to support someone you know who is grieving over the holidays. First, it is important to know that the experience of grief and mourning is different for everyone. No two people will experience the same loss in the same way. For some people, the grief they experience feels unbearable. Holidays can heighten this feeling. I hope the information that is provided in this article will be a supportive aid as this holiday season approaches. There are many different types of grief, here are some of the things people may be grieving this year: Personal health Food and economic security Future dreams Physical safety/stability Sense of personal freedom Physical/in person connection Death of a loved one It is also important to understand the difference between ambiguous grief and anticipatory grief. Ambiguous grief: A loss without closure, or an understanding of why/what happened. The loss may not be acknowledged by others. This can include losses that don’t involve a human being. Anticipatory grief: Grief that occurs before an actual loss (such as anticipating the death of a sick friend.) An individual may be feeling grief after moving to a new city and not being able to connect with friends or family, they may also feel grief after losing a pet, or after being diagnosed with a critical illness, and this list can go on. Therefore, if you feel like you are grieving something other than a loved one, the information in this article can still be helpful. In a typical holiday season, there is often pressure on grieving individuals (either internally, or from others) to put aside their sadness and hurt and be full of joy and thanksgiving. However, memories of the loved one resurface during events where the loved one would have been. What does grief look like? Common initial feelings of grief: Shock, denial, disbelief, numbness Common feelings and experiences: Anger, guilt, regret, blame, sadness, depression, panic, fear, worry, relief, confusion, doubt, questioning one’s faith, changes in sleep. This list does not cover all the emotions and experiences one may have when grieving. Thinking that you do not want to go one with life is normal, but thinking about suicide is not. If you are experiencing suicidal thoughts, seek help immediately by going to your hospital’s emergency room, or talk to a therapist, doctor, or crisis support line. St. Leonard’s 24 Hour Mental Health Crisis Line: 519-759-7188 or toll free: 1-866-811-7188 Are you grieving? Here are some reminders during this upcoming holiday. Love does not end with death. Our society wants you to join in the holiday spirit, but it may not feel that easy for you. Remember to be compassionate with yourself as you heal. Do what is right for you during the holidays. As you become aware of your needs, share them with trusted people. Talk about your grief and about the person [...]

November is Bullying Awareness month. According to Prevnet, a Canadian organization committed to violence prevention, bullying is a serious issue that requires adult intervention. Bullying is a form of abuse that preys on vulnerability and can lead to social and mental health problems in children and youth. When carried into adulthood, bullying behaviour leads to a lifetime pattern of abuse that shows up in the workplace, family, and community. While we cannot protect our children and youth from all of the social dynamics they will be exposed to in life, there are a number of things that we can do to support them to develop healthy relationships and social skills. Teaching our children how to recognize the various forms of bullying and how to respond helps them to stand up for themselves and for others, whether it is in person, or online.   What Parents Can Do To Help:   Value Inclusive and Respectful Behaviour Parents set the tone for family relationships and children learn relationship skills by watching their parents’ behaviour. Model the use of positive power by respecting and supporting others. Encourage positive relationships among children by praising respectful and inclusive behaviour whenever you see it. Try and focus on the positives of your child, even when they need correcting. Talk About Bullying Often, kids may not feel comfortable reporting or talking about bullying because they may be embarrassed, scared, or worried that it may make the problem worse. Sometimes, kids get involved in bullying others as part of a social group, even though they know it is wrong. Have open conversations with your child about their experiences at school, online and in the community, talk about what they notice, and what role they play in their social groups. Talk about the negative consequences of bullying and why it is important to take a stand against this behaviour.     Teach Your Child To Be Assertive – Not Aggressive Being aggressive in response to other’s negative or aggressive behaviour usually makes things worse. Teach your child how to stand up for him/herself without being aggressive. Rehearse phrases, responses, and words such as, “STOP!” to help your child stand up for themselves. Practice assertive body language such as standing up tall, firm voice, and eye contact.   Teach Your Child How to Ask for Help Identify people in the school, community and family who are there to support your child in standing up for themselves and for others. Draw parallels to when adults may seek help in the workplace or community, so that children understand that we all need help at times to solve problems and feel safe.   Teach your Child the Difference Between Conflict and Bullying Help your child to understand that some conflict within relationships is normal and that we all have different perspectives and experiences. Distinguish between the behaviour that comes from working out our differences during a conflict, and bullying behaviour, which is for the purpose of hurting or humiliating someone. Teach and model [...]

Whether we are aware of it or not, at some point in our lives we develop triggers tied into something we have experienced in our past. Another identifying word associated with triggers is known as “stressors”. These are situations or actions that lead to an adverse emotional reaction. In the mental health realm, stressors are not talked about often enough in terms of prevention - the conversation typically occurs after the individual has reacted. Helping people name and work through their stressors can be extremely helpful and empowering.   Types of triggers: There are 4 commonly known types of triggers that can be caused by various stimuli. These can vary depending on the individual's past experiences.   External triggers; most commonly associated with the senses (sight, smell, sound, taste etc). For example; smelling cologne of an abusive ex-partner could trigger unpleasant thoughts of memories of their time together. Internal triggers are explained as bold feelings that emerge based on past experiences. For example; making a doctor's appointment when you’ve had a negative medical experience can trigger feelings of fear. Trauma triggers are strong feelings that are brought on by past trauma. For example; the sound of fireworks could bring flashbacks to a veteran. Symptom triggers are classified as physical and emotional changes that can trigger larger mental health issues (lack of sleep etc.)   No trigger is too small to be treated seriously; for some people it will lead them to have big negative feelings/thoughts or even lead to self-harm.   How to identify and cope with your triggers: There are many ways to learn how to identify and cope with your triggers but all should focus on reducing the impact of the trigger and strengthening their emotional response.   Identify your triggers by taking some time to observe previous occurrences where you have been triggered and focus on the who, what, where, when and why of that event. Take note of recurring patterns to narrow down what triggers keep resurfacing. Find a mental health professional that you feel comfortable talking with to further work through your coping skills. Making a space that you feel comfortable talking with a registered professional can help validate your experience and make a plan to address your trigger(s) Look for trigger warnings on social media, television content and even books can have trigger warnings at the beginning to warn people of potential triggers. Try to avoid any content that you feel could cause an intense emotional reaction from consuming that content.  Practice self-care. Taking the steps to identify and work through your triggers is a huge accomplishment that anyone deserves a pat on the back for. Whether it is talking to someone you love, journaling, taking time for yourself etc; it is important to take a break for your mental health.

I remember hearing the baby was gone; the word “miscarriage” for the first time. It just so happened to be on Mother’s Day. I was heartbroken, shocked, and wondering what went wrong. The word miscarriage carries a lot of weight, and for me, equated to that I must have done something wrong for this to have happened. Perhaps it is the “mis” in the word. Regardless, I was devastated and alone as it was during the height of the pandemic and my partner was not allowed to be in the hospital with me at the time. Losing a baby is a gut wrenching, heartbreaking experience I never thought I’d have, or for a while, didn’t think I would survive. I grieved hard. But grief is just an umbrella term. What I really felt was never ending sadness, heartbreak, anger, disappointment, shame, comparison, anxiety, loss, and a whole host of other emotions. I had to avoid social media for awhile as seeing everyone else’s pregnancy announcements or child-related posts hurt. My partner and I had to navigate our own grief while figuring out how we could still be there for one another. I tried hard to figure out how I could get my baby back. But life doesn’t work that way. I read once that grieving a pregnancy loss is like having all this love to give but nowhere to put it. I felt that statement deeply as my heart had grown so much for this baby and now I didn’t know what to do with that love or all the complicated feelings I had. I was fixated on the dreams and hopes we had for our baby that were not realized. That baby is still so loved and is a part of our story. I share this now because it quickly became apparent to me the lack of resources around the loss of a baby and how much a silent topic this still is. If this too is a part of your story: I see you, I hurt with you, and please know that you are not alone. Please reach out for support if you are feeling any of the feelings above and are needing somewhere to process your loss. Also, stay tuned as we fundraiser for a support group for those who have experienced pregnancy and infant loss. Brianna Kerr

Pregnancy/Motherhood – Five-Part Series   The road to, through, and during motherhood is infused with so many conflicting emotions. Women do not always feel comfortable admitting to, or even openly expressing, the extreme emotions which surface. As women fall into the expectations of society, family, and friends, most do not recognize their experiences create a significant change, and therefore a need to grieve.   In this fifth, and final entry of the series, we explore the empty nester: a term used to describe a parent whose children have left home.  After years spent nurturing and caring for her children, a woman can experience feelings of grief when her children move out.  These can include feelings of loss, fear, even loss-of-self, as she adjusts to the change in her parental relationships with her children. Shifting from being the guardian, to a mentor or friend, is a normal and natural part of parenting. However, it can feel sad and lonely as the family dynamics change.Each and every woman will pass through this stage of parenting in their own unique way.  There is no predisposed plan for how she is to move forward.   The experience of watching her children “fly the coop” can be accompanied by many conflicting emotions as she celebrates their combined independence and perhaps mourns a loss. Discovering, and expressing honestly, the unique emotional challenges of learning how to “let go” is essential to a woman being able to enjoy her newfound freedom, as she creates a new relationship with her adult children.   This can be one the best parts of being a mother. A time to witness the amazing person her child has grown into, embrace them with pride, and celebrate their successes. To fully accomplish this, it is vital to identify and complete any unfinished emotional business; otherwise, she can remain stuck in her previous role. It is essential to honor the emotions which present themselves, without analysis or judgement; so, she may embark on the incredible adventure empty nesting can be! --- --- --- Part Five: Empty Nesting   She will always be ‘mom’ to her adult children but the tasks and duties which have defined motherhood have changed. There are no more diapers to change, skating costumes to sew, homework to supervise, and her taxi duties have been retired.   Learning to let her children stumble and fall is part of this new adult experience. Her role becomes that of mentor, offering advice and support only when asked. There can be a loss of identity which accompanies this shift, a loss of purpose, a feeling of disconnect, and an insecurity of how to move forward.   As she tidies their room for the last time, grief can carry so many conflicting emotions. She may feel excited to have the sewing room she has longed for. Perhaps she can create a home office or an art studio. The excitement of fulfilling a dream for herself can leave her feeling regretful, selfish, and unsure of how [...]

Pregnancy/Motherhood – Five-Part Series   The road to, through, and during motherhood is infused with so many conflicting emotions. Women do not always feel comfortable admitting to, or even openly expressing, the extreme emotions which surface. As women fall into the expectations of society, family, and friends, most do not recognize their experiences create a significant change, and therefore a need to grieve.   In the fourth of this five-part series, we explore the motherhood myth.Motherhood may be one of the most important responsibilities a woman can choose. It is also an experience she often enters into with zero first-hand knowledge, followed by a belief that her life is changing for the better. The challenging experiences can, and must be,balanced with the moments of pure ecstasy.   Many omit the trails, those which leave any mother, especially a new one, questioning her confidence and blaming herself for the “bad days”. This may leave her grieving the freedom of a previous life as she adapts to this enormous change. Motherhood can be complicated, and it can be riddled with conflicting emotions. Discovering and expressing honestly,the unique emotional challenges of becoming a mom, is essential to being able to fully embrace the experience. --- --- --- Part Four: Becoming a Mom   For many, the experience of becoming a new mother is a choice. While some have planned this, for others it maybe a surprise. The arrival of a baby can quickly make a woman aware of the subtle and drastic changes in her life. She may find herself no longer being able to pick up and go the gym, sleep in on a Saturday morning, stay up late, or spontaneously load the kayak onto the truck and head to the lake. The everyday occurrences, once taken for granted, are no longer something she can do on a whim and must now be carefully planned around the baby’s schedule. Little excursions, such as heading to the corner store for an ice cream cone can become laborious as the baby must be strapped in their car seat, placed in a stroller or the car, and don’t forget the diaper bag just in case there is a diaper emergency while out. I had a friend head off to the ice cream store, when they suddenly realized they had forgotten the baby at home!A date-night not only requires extra planning but once one adds in the cost of perhaps dinner, a movie, and a sitter,it may not seem worth the effort nor, for some, affordable. It is normal and natural to grieve the loss of the lifestyle. In fact, it is important to express these emotions openly and honestly, especially to someone who will not judge. Burying these emotions can lead to resentment or, even worse, physical symptoms. If the woman has a partner, there will be changes in their relationship. While both parents are programmed for connection to the baby, one of them has carried this little one within her and a bond has [...]

Pregnancy/Motherhood – Five-Part Series The road to, through, and during motherhood is infused with so many conflicting emotions. Women do not always feel comfortable admitting to, or even openly expressing, the extreme emotions which surface. As women fall into the expectations of society, family, and friends, most do not recognize their experiences create a significant change, and therefore a need to grieve. In the third of this five-part series we explore motherhood through the contribution of others. Surrogacy and adoption provide the opportunity for a woman to become a mother, once the baby has been born to another. This experience can be complicated, and it can be riddled with conflicting emotions from both sides. Discovering the unique emotional challenges of releasing or receiving a baby after it reaches full-term, and the importance of processing the accompanying emotions, is essential to all parties. --- --- --- Part Three: Surrogacy and Adoption Grief is the normal and natural reaction after experiencing an emotional loss of any kind. Grief can also be the conflicting emotions we feel when there is a change in something which was familiar. Whether you are the surrogate, the parent surrendering your child for adoption, or the individual receiving the new arrival, emotions can be triggered by this event. “Babies born through surrogacy are conceived with the intention that they will be raised by the intended parents, not by the birth” mother.[i]  Women, who choose to have a child for another, are very clear on their intentions and, for the most part, are happy to give the baby to the intended parents. For those who do not understand surrogacy, there can be an assumption the birthing mother will grieve the loss of the baby. Most surrogates do not relate to the baby in this way. Some surrogates admit they can grieve the loss of the friendship formed with the intended parents, they can grieve an unpleasant relationship with the intended parents, or they can grieve the end of the experience. The surrogate must still work through the hormones, and the rollercoaster of emotions, associated with giving birth.  While the experience will be different for everyone, there can be feelings of sadness or of being overwhelmed. For the parent releasing their child for adoption, the birth mother has, like the surrogate, carried this baby inside her body for the past nine months. She has felt this baby move, she has experienced the physical changes, and now she too is leaving the birthing process without the baby.  Again, the emotional impact of this experience will be different for each woman. A birth parent, surrendering their child to another family may experience a range of conflicting emotions such as relief and gratitude to anxiousness and despair.  The experience itself can create unresolved emotions based on the level of support received from the agency or hospital. She may also grieve the loss of the parenting experience; thoughts of what could have been, or of not being able to witness who their child [...]

Pregnancy/Motherhood – Five-Part Series   The road to, through, and during motherhood is infused with so many conflicting emotions. Often women do not feel comfortable admitting to, or even openly expressing, the extreme emotions which surface. As women fall into the expectations of society, family, and friends, most do not recognize their experiences create a significant change, and therefore a need to grieve.   In the second of this five-part series we will explore miscarriages, discovering the unique emotional challenges of losing a baby before it reaches full-term, and the importance of processing the accompanying emotions. --- --- --- Part Two: Miscarriages   Miscarriages are an emotional journey, encompassing a roller coaster of emotions, and happen far more often we realize. According to the Society of Obstetricians and Gynaecologists of Canada, roughly 15 to 20% of Canadian pregnancies end in miscarriage. 1   Many times, this is an unexpected loss and one we have little time to prepare for. There are two different kinds of miscarriages; one involves the end of a pregnancy any time within the first trimester and the other involves a stillbirth which can occur around or after the 20-week mark. While one might assume, the woman who has experienced a stillbirth, may suffer more extreme emotional pain, due to the length of the pregnancy please do not overlook the fact grief is individual. Regardless of the duration, the loss is experienced 100% on an emotional level and the length of the pregnancy does not dictate the emotional impact.   Grief is wanting things to be different and the accompanying unrealized hopes, dreams, and expectations. With our busy lives women can adopt a belief their travel, diet, career, etc. were the underlying cause of the miscarriage/stillbirth. Some women, not sure if they will be able to adjust to the demands of motherhood or the change in lifestyle, can blame themselves for “wishing the pregnancy away”. These thoughts can be followed by feelings of regret or a sadness.   When I miscarried our first child, I was hesitant to talk to others about my feelings because many replied with intellectual statements that were not helpful. For example, “You are young, and you can still have children”.   With a background in Early Childhood Education, I was aware, on an intellectual level, that sometimes our body aborts the baby, naturally, due to abnormal chromosomes. When I would express these thoughts, I would be accused of being uncaring and not reacting in an appropriate manner. I felt like my feelings weren’t important and quickly learned to hide them away. I felt like my need to try to understand the loss of my baby attracted statements of judgement from those who had not shared my experience.   I did what I was taught, and I replaced the loss by getting pregnant again right away. The hopes, dreams, and expectations for our first baby were suddenly transferred to our second pregnancy, without taking the time to grief the first miscarriage. When my [...]

  Pregnancy/Motherhood – Five-Part Series   The road to, through, and during motherhood is enshrined with so many conflicting emotions. Often women do not feel comfortable admitting to, or even openly expressing, the extreme emotions which surface. As women fall into the expectations of society, family, and friends, most do not recognize their experiences create a significant change, and therefore a need to grieve.   Without realizing they are grieving; women do what they are taught. They distract themselves and push their emotions down, tucking them away and out of sight. Infertility, miscarriages, surrogacy, full term pregnancies, and even empty nesting all have the ability to produce unresolved emotions. Without permission or the tools to processes these emotions, women can feel trapped, within the massive changes and disappointments.   In this five-part series we will explore each of the above topics separately, discovering the unique emotional challenges of each and the importance of openly, and honestly, expressing these emotions. --- --- --- Part One: Infertility   Grief has many definitions, each as unique as the person experiencing them. Infertility is new territory for many. It is an emotional journey, encompassing a roller coaster of emotions. Driving this experience are the conflicting feelings of what we wished was different (“Why can’t I get pregnant?”) and the disappointing feeling that our body has let us down (“Was it something I did?”).   When we begin to plan for our first baby we have hopes, dreams, and expectations. Women are excited to move into the next stage of their lives, doing something which seems so natural. However, when these dreams do not happen, there can be a loss of hope and worry that the journey may never be successful.   Next comes the time commitment, the financial commitment, and the preparatory drugs which can change the way a women feels about herself. These are all changes, and challenges, which bring their own emotional charge. As a woman’s moods shift, so does the financial burden of following a dream which has no guarantee and often seems like there is no end in sight.   Finally, there are the unsaid communications. Perhaps the things women want to say to themselves, their partners, their friends, or their family. They may feel they must be strong for those around them or that others simply won’t understand if they do find the courage to say aloud how they are feeling.   Well-meaning people want to share their stories of infertility. They may think they are offering support when in fact they are taking away a woman’s safe place to share, without judgement or analysis, how she is feeling. Women don’t want to be fixed. They simply want someone who will hold space and listen. Someone who will provide a calm in their storm; where, for a few moments, they can find comfort.   Learning how to navigate this terrain means women must move from their heads to their hearts. They must move away from trying to understand their [...]