Grief is unique to every person, and how it impacts everyone depends on a variety of things. There are common feelings and experiences that accompany grief, particularly when the death was sudden, and we were not prepared. Grieving is more complicated in these circumstances because we did not get the chance to say goodbye, and there may be many things that feel unresolved.

With suicide, we are also left with the question of “why?,” which is a normal part of the process. Often, even when we do have some information, no answer satisfies. Even if we think we know why, one can

never know the complete inner world of another person. We have to accept that we may never know why. There is seldom one event or one reason that brings a person to suicide. Most often, the person was in extreme emotional or physical pain for a long time. It is impossible to know another’s experience of life, or the thoughts that led to suicide. We only know what it looked like from our perspective, which also often leads to feelings of guilt. Especially if we knew the person well, it is common for us to ask ourselves “what could I have done?” “What did I not see?.” This is a normal, human reaction and a way that we try to make sense of what happened. It is also part of grieving to wrestle with feelings of regret about things that we may wish that we said or did. Again, this is normal, and may need to be expressed out loud as we work through the process of our own grieving. We did not want this outcome, so our brain is seeking answers and explanations as we try to accept what has happened.

It is important to remember that we are not to blame for the choice that another person has made or

the situation that took their life. Even when we know a person is struggling with emotional pain, we may

not be able to prevent imminent risk, particularly when the person makes efforts to disguise their pain.

Common Emotions:

1. Numbness and shock:
   This can last for several days or longer. You may notice yourself forgetting things, having difficulty with speaking, or other physical symptoms such as poor sleep and appetite, not being able to follow conversations.
2. Loss and disorganization:
   People experience a range of emotions, sorrow, anger, confusion, guilt, hopelessness. These feelings can be intense. It is normal to have trouble with day-to-day tasks. You may find yourself feeling distracted, feeling confused, restless, and fatigued. Grief is hard work and will take a physical as well as emotional toll on the body.
3. Intense emotions:
   You may find yourself feeling irritable, angry, or resentful as you work through your process trying to understand what has happened. You may be angry at the person who died and feel stuck in your grieving. Anger can leave us feeling negatively about life, and people around us. We may seek someone to blame.
4. Physical symptoms:
   Some people will experience significant physical symptoms of grief: headaches, nausea, body aches and pains, chest pain, shortness of breath. Although this can be normal aspects of grieving, it is your body letting you know you are struggling and need to take care of yourself. Contact your family Dr. if symptoms are persistent.

Moving Forward

Reorganization of our life map and acceptance do come eventually with time. We learn to live with the

sadness and integrate the loss into our life experience and begin to make meaning of it. Grieving will

become part of life but not in the way of living life. Grieving takes time and is different for every person. If you feel yourself getting stuck, reaching out for help is important. A suicide death can also bring out thoughts of suicide in others. Be aware of this for yourself and those close to you and reach out for help if you are concerned.

Healing

• Let others help and support you. Acknowledge that you have been through a very difficult experience, and it is ok to share your grief with your friends, family, community and children. Death and grief are part of life, and we want to make it ok for ourselves and others to grieve by acknowledging it. Be compassionate with yourself.
• Have hope that it will get better. Healing is not the same as forgetting. It means that the feelings won’t get in the way of your life as much as it does in the beginning. Be gentle with yourself though the process.
• Keep talking. Find safe people to talk with who let you talk and who you are comfortable with and can share your pain. Someone who does not judge your feelings or reactions and accepts what you have to say. Be open in talking about suicide, so that you can talk through and process your own feelings about what has happened.
• Hold on to memories. Your memories, your relationship with that person and your own experiences are unique and valid. They are not dependent on other people’s experiences or perceptions. Cherish what is important for you to hold on to.
• Do what works for you. Sometimes our friends and families are not sure what to do for us. They may not want to see us cry, so many not want to ask you how you are doing. They may be hesitant to ask you questions, or the opposite, the questions from others feel intrusive to you. Be open about what you feel and what you need, including saying, “I’m sorry, I don’t want to talk about this right now.” Feel free to let people know how they can be supportive.
• Be prepared for difficult days ahead. There may be times when the grief or memories flood back to you, sometimes when you least expect it. This is part of your process of working through and integrating this experience into your own life. Be gentle with yourself and reach out for support.
• Self-care. Engage in healthy behaviours to increase your ability to cope with a traumatic event. Eating well balanced meals, exercise, fun, rest, relaxation, and a good night’s sleep are all important for your well being. Resist the urge to self medicate or numb with alcohol or drugs.
• Avoid any big decision or major life changes while you are going through this process, if you can. Often, a traumatic event causes high stress for us, and destabilizes our sense of the world. If possible, avoid any big decisions or changes until you feel you are back in balance.

If you are in need of support as you navigate grief, please feel free to reach out. Our team of mental health professionals all offer free 15 minute consultations for you to ask any questions before deciding on your care.