Infidelity can feel like a lightning bolt. It’s as if a tornado has blown away all of the wonderful emotions in the relationship, leaving you feeling empty. You struggle to recognize your substantial contributions to the relationship, the sacrifices you made for the family, and the ensuing anguish, sadness, and betrayal. Your emotional roller coaster is flying back in time to find the missing component of the relationship. You begin to blame yourself for letting it happen. You begin to examine your own flaws as the source of the infidelity. Your self-worth is being questioned. This bucket of negative underlying emotions causes you to develop a negative thought pattern. However, if you have decided to reconcile with your spouse in order to explore new positive directions in your relationship, this is completely fine. When healing and deciding to reconcile with your spouse, the following points can be helpful;

1. Acceptance and forgiveness:  Give yourself time to analyze your feelings and thoughts. Do not rush to accept, only to reconcile. Yes, acceptance is an important step, but you must focus on how you feel in order to accept the situation. Acceptance comes with the responsibility to forgive. Forgiving your partner for infidelity is essential for accepting the circumstances and preparing to move forward. Forgiveness can be painful, but it will help you heal. Forgiving a betrayal may feel like crushing your feelings, but it is a necessary component of the healing process. Forgiveness will help you empathize with your partner. It will provide you with an open platform to better comprehend how your partner is feeling. It will be beneficial to have the opportunity while working on rebuilding trust. Forgiving your partner is not a momentary decision; you must choose forgiveness every time an infidelity-related thought appears to you. To help oneself heal, you must create a secure and supportive environment. Resentment is difficult and hurtful; remember that you are choosing to forgive to heal, not only to reconcile with your partner. 

2. Communication: Communication is key. It is critical to express your expectations to your partner so that they can help you during the healing process. You may have many inquiries concerning the affair. When discussing the affair with your spouse, talk about establishing boundaries. Ask your partner about the details of the affair, including your intentions and emotions. While you’re doing so, remember to ask your partner whether it’s a suitable time to talk. Your partner is equally distraught over the cheating incident. Respect your partner’s boundaries, and seek their approval or permission to talk about the affair. Avoid getting involved in the process of gathering information about the affair. Instead of surrendering to the negative cycle, focus on gathering details to aid in recovery. Remember that more detailed information about the affair may harm you and create triggers in the future. Maintain an open communication environment in your relationship, allowing your spouse to freely choose whether to offer in-depth details while considering your feelings. To fully understand, pay attention to the feelings exhibited by both of you. If possible, attempt to validate and acknowledge feelings. Talk about possible triggers and convey your pain to your partner. When you encounter triggers or negative thoughts, express your expectations of your spouse. So your partner is aware and prepared to help you when necessary. Healthy communication will allow you to focus on the positive elements of the relationship and promote the healing process. Also, preserve dignity and respect for one another while conversing.

3. Resolving Relationship Concerns: After establishing healthy communication, concentrate on resolving relationship concerns. Infidelity can occur for a variety of reasons, including a lack of connection between two people and differing expectations from the spouse. Discuss loops and gaps in the relationship in order to work toward a better outcome. Re-establish your expectations to offer the relationship a fresh start. Sometimes we take our partner for granted and ignore the romantic side of the relationship. That’s why it’s critical to confront any discontent in the partnership. Discussing relationship concerns will help you find a clear path forward. As a result, it will contribute to the restoration of trust. Building trust does not happen overnight. Trust grows with each subsequent action. Rebuilding trust is a shared process. You both may need to devise a set of acts to demonstrate and build trust.

Healing can be challenging. If you want to move on in your life, the healing process is essential as part of self-care. Healing will help you regain your confidence and self-worth. Healing can help you fill your positive bucket and move forward with your life. Individual counselling, as well as couples counseling, can provide additional and professional support to heal. If you are dealing with infidelity in your relationship, or you are concerned about the potential for relationship issues, reach out to a trained mental health professional with experience supporting couples through these challenges. To book a free consultation with one of our therapists, call us at either 519.751.0728 or 519.302.2300 or email pathwaystohopebrant@gmail.com or reception@brantmentalhealth.com.

This blog was written by Registered Social Worker, Tanvi Dave.