It’s not uncommon for parents of teens to have some apprehension and concern when their teen enters the world of dating and romantic relationships. From worries that their son or daughter is going to no longer have time for themselves, their family, and responsibilities , to knowing how teens approach dating and helping them navigate the complexities of it can be daunting.

It’s important for both parents and teens to be aware of what I call ‘key ingredients’ to healthy and successful teen relationships. If these ingredients are learned and implemented, or are already present, a parent can then breathe easy as their teen learns how to navigate dating and romantic relationships. The Key Ingredients include:

1. Importance of Friendship and Being in a Relationship for the Right Reasons:

Just as in any healthy adult relationship, the core foundation of a healthy teen relationship must lie in friendship. Healthy friendships consist of shared values (not just hobbies), including such elements as:

• Having similar world views,

• Dedication to school studies,

• Trust and loyalty,

• Non-judgemental and good communication,

• Good listening skills,

• Being fun to be around,

• Honesty,

• Empathy,

• Open-mindedness,

• Dependability.

These shared values can of course be developed further, as no relationship is perfect. For example, trust is truly something that is established over time as a teenage couple learns more about each other and navigates the ups and downs of a relationship, like better communication and consistent honesty and openness with each other.

Encouraging teens to be mindful of why they are choosing to date someone is also essential when it comes to teens having healthy romantic relationships. Just as with adults, we want our teens to be aware of when they may be dating someone simply for the ‘sake of dating someone’ (due to social pressures or feeling lonely), or if they are dating someone because they truly find them attractive in several ways and feel they would be/are a healthy person for them to navigate a romantic relationship with. This can be a difficult task for particularly younger teens who are entering their first relationship as they may not quite know the differences between pure physical attraction and overall attraction.

 “As a parent, monitoring a teens first relationship, from a healthy distance, but with consistent and respectful communication can help a teen navigate and learn where their attraction lies and if their new partner truly shares values with them or not.”

2. Communication:

Apps like Snapchat, Instagram, Discord and TikTok are fun, and at times, are appropriate ways for teens to chat and interact with each other, whether between friends or those in a dating relationship. These apps are a great way to stay connected when seeing each other in person or video/phone chatting isn’t an option, but what teens often refer to and ‘IRL’ (‘in real life’) time spent together, can be lacking in today’s teen relationships.

Many benefits of spending time together and communicating ‘IRL’ are essential to healthy dating and development overall. One important factor that ‘IRL’ time provides that online communication does not is it provides plenty of verbal and physical cues/body language which online communication cannot (and no, emoji’s do not make up for this!). such cues and body language allow for teens, and even adults, to perceive differing intentions like sarcasm, stress, seriousness, playfulness, flirting, sadness, anxiousness, etc. Without these things, conversations can be easily taken out of context and lead to both parties spiraling into a loop of misunderstanding and arguments. ‘IRL’ time is also, more simply put, how human beings have learned from, connected, and formed healthy bonds with each other for thousands of years.

Our souls and minds crave ‘IRL’ times and connections and we must allow for enough of this time to take place and grow with others throughout our lives. Putting these points into more context for teens in dating relationships is not only important for their minds, but souls and navigating future healthy relationships as well!

3. Respect for Individuality:

Teens entering the world of dating and relationships can easily blur the lines between who they are as individuals (I.e., their personality, hobbies, passions, schooling/work activities, etc.) and who they are in a romantic relationship. One term, which comes from the field of psychology, that is important for parents, and teens, to be aware of when a teen is dating is that of enmeshment. Enmeshment is defined as the distorting of boundaries between people, including family members and romantic partners which often leads to dysfunction in the relationship and loss of independence and individuality. As teens continuing development, particularly within the prefrontal cortex area of the brain, where skills and awareness of planning, making sound and rational decisions, and consideration of the consequences of actions take place, they can, and often will, fall trap to at least some aspects of enmeshment (E.g., Taking on their partners problems with their studies or relationship with a parent, as their own). Explaining, in simple terms what this is and how important respecting each other’s independent and solo time, away from each other, to teens in relationships, is key to maintaining proper boundaries and navigating a healthy relationship. Simply reminding (not scolding or criticizing) teens when aspects of enmeshment are suspected and/or being observed, is key in their success in experiencing the world of dating at a young age.

If you are concerned about your teen and a romantic relationship they may be in, it can be hard to have a conversation around this without appearing judgmental and it can leave the teen feeling as though their thoughts and feelings are not being heard. Try to keep conversations focussed and calm and avoid criticising your teen and/or their partner. Discuss different supports that are available to your teen, this can be with a mental health professional, or even a safe and trusted family member or friend who they can share their feelings with. With the right support and guidance your teen can learn the skills to flourish in happy and healthy relationships.

If you have any questions or concerns about your teen and their relationships, feel free to call us for more information and support. We are here to help!