Co-regulation comes from research that highlights the importance of self regulation. Many caregivers want to support their children in developing self – regulation skills, to learn to manage their helpful and unhelpful thoughts and feelings and develop behaviours that promote self growth. In order to develop self – regulation skills, it is important for caregivers to co – regulate with their loved ones, displaying these skills through firsthand examples.

Co – regulation is flexible, meaning that as your child grows and develops, so does their capacity to learn skills that promote regulation of their thoughts and feelings. Engaging in co – regulation begins by establishing supportive and responsive relationships with a child. Strong and supportive relationships are the foundation for promoting helpful thoughts and feelings that translate into helpful behaviours. To co – regulate with your child when they are displaying big emotions, it is important not to react, but to respond to their actions. A way to remember this is to think of yourself as a thermostat, not a thermometer. When the actions intensify, you set the temperature by responding in a helpful way to the child’s needs. Being a thermostat, sets the temperature as opposed to reacting to the actions of your child, becoming dysregulated by their actions.

How to support your child:

To respond to a child’s needs, a helpful tip is to first, reflect on your feelings in the moment of stress.When doing so, focus on the following things:

• How do you feel physically?

• Is your heart rate increasing?
• Are you feeling your body tense up, becoming overwhelmed in the moment?

Our body gives us cues to know when we are stressed, by engaging in a quick assessment of how you feel physically, you can regulate how you feel.

• How do you feel emotionally?

• Are your thoughts racing?
• Are you feeling hurt, betrayed, frustrated, alone or overwhelmed?

If you are, take a second to pause and to address your feelings before addressing the needs of your child.

In order to respond well, it is like the flight attendants say, you need to put on your mask first, before supporting others around you. The same is true for caregiving relationships, check your feelings before you respond to the actions of those around you.

How can you manage your response to your child?
Engaging in grounding exercises can be helpful in this time. For example, taking 2 minutes to look around the room and notice 5 things you see, 4 things you hear, 3 things you feel, 2 things you smell and if possible one thing you can taste can support grounding yourself to respond well. Grounding yourself sets a calm environment for your child and can promote safety and stability for them.

Co-Regulation at each developmental stage:

According to Murray et al. (2015) self regulation grows and develops alongside your child.

Babies:
While children are babies, it is helpful to promote structure and routine, respond to their cues and be attentive to their needs.

Toddlers:
When children reach the toddler years, teaching age appropriate guidelines is important for co- regulation, supporting their awareness of the expectations and guidelines set for them.

Co-Regulation at this stage can include:
1. Labeling emotions with your child. This can be done by telling your child that you are happy, sad or mad, showing them that there are no bad emotions, but instead each emotion can be felt and expressed in helpful ways.
2. Reading different books, you can highlight the emotions of characters in the story and show how they expressed their emotions.
3. When children are toddlers, you can model self – regulating strategies like deep breathing and grounding activities.
4. Additionally, redirecting their behaviour can support regulation and knowing that this will require repetition in order to promote helpful coping strategies.

School-aged children:
As children age into preschool and elementary school, promoting them to practice regulating their emotions, while modeling helpful strategies can support co – regulation. During this stage, you are their coach and biggest support, come alongside them and incentivize helpful behaviours as this will reinforce their use of supportive coping strategies. They will need reminders, however, consistency and helpful promptings can support their ability to self – regulate. During elementary school age, modeling helpful problem solving and conflict resolution skills is a part of co – regulating with your child.

Allow them to invite you into supporting them in problem solving as opposed to figuring out a solution for them. Additionally, provide opportunities for choice and support building skills like organization and planning to support regulating their emotions. Practicing co-regulation can include modeling, trying a new skill and failing, modeling how to lose and not be defeated, but try again. This model will encourage resilience and practice determination and problem solving skills. Consistency is key and promoting co- regulation will require repetition.

Here is a helpful way to remember to regulate and stay CALM, the acronym for co-regulating with your children:

Check your initial response

• Tone of voice
• Physical appearance – facial reaction, body language, eye contact
• Monitor your body’s physical reactions to stress

Assess the environment

• To address the behaviour, step out of a busy environment, directing to a calm space
• Reducing distractions and supports redirection of their actions
• Be consistent if possible with where you go

Listen to how they feel and identify what you notice in their actions

• Validate their feelings and promote an alternative and supportive response

Model helpful coping strategies

• Coach them through the moment
• Grounding activities
• Give time and space if needed
• Model conflict resolution skills

For more information, or to book a free consultation with one of our therapists, reach out to us at reception@brantmentalhealth.com or call 519.302.2300.

Citations:

Meyer, A. (2017). (issue brief). Co-Regulation From Birth Through Young Adulthood: A Practice Brief (pp. 1–10). Chapel Hill, North Carolina: Office of Planning, Research and Evaluation, Administration for Children and Families, U.S. Department of Health and Human Services.

Turnaround for Children. (2021, October). Co-regulating cues workbook. Turnaroundusa.org. https://turnaround.ams3.digitaloceanspaces.com/wp-content/uploads/2021/10/13172506/TX_SE_CP3_CoRegulatingCuesWorkbook_Oct21.pdf

Rosanbalm, K.D., & Murray, D.W. (2017). Caregiver Co-regulation Across Development: A Practice Brief. OPRE Brief #2017-80. Washington, DC: Office of Planning, Research, and Evaluation, Administration for Children and Families, US. Department of Health and Human Services.

Additional Resources:

https://turnaround.ams3.digitaloceanspaces.com/wp-content/uploads/2021/10/13172506/TX_SE_CP3_CoRegulatingCuesWorkbook_Oct21.pdf

https://fpg.unc.edu/sites/fpg.unc.edu/files/resources/reports-and-policy-briefs/Co-RegulationFromBirthThroughYoungAdulthood.pdf

https://actlearningcentre.ca/co-regulation-strategies-for-caregivers/