I was 19 when I had my first child, and 29 when I had my last. I felt as overwhelmed with being a parent as a married 29 year old as I did as a single mother in my late teens/early 20’s. Parenting is arguably one of the most challenging roles we will ever take on, and there is very little that can actually prepare us for the realities of it. Whilst having children is a wonderful experience, it does come with a lot of responsibility. Add in the fact that now in most families, both parents have to work outside of the home to provide, finances are stretched thin and we are often caring for other family members, or running our kids around to sports and activities, it can be easy to find ourselves “burning out”. In this blog we hope to give you some basic information about parental burnout, the symptoms and some tips for managing this.

What is parental burnout?
“Burnout, a syndrome characterized by “emotional exhaustion, depersonalization and a decrease in self-fulfillment,” is a result of chronic exposure to emotionally draining environments (Rionda, I. S., et al., International Journal of Environmental Research and Public Health, Vol. 18, No. 9, 2021).”

At its core, it is an intense feeling of being mentally and physically exhausted. It’s important to note that these feelings can come and go at particularly difficult times in your life, but if you are feeling this way on a day-to-day basis, you should consider seeking help.

Who does parental burnout affect?
As a society we often go straight to thinking that parental burnout predominantly affects working mothers or single parents, but fathers, stay at home moms, foster parents and other caregivers are also at risk of experiencing this. In any family unit, the caregiver(s) can find themselves overwhelmed at juggling work, family and taking care of the home and can find themselves unable to take care of themselves and feeling that their needs are not being met and the pressure of being a “good parent” is just too much.

As common as parental burnout is becoming, it is worth noting that parents with pre-existing mental health concerns or parents raising a child with mental, physical or developmental problems are at higher risk of experiencing this.

What are the symptoms of parental burnout?
Some of the signs of parental burnout can include:

*Physical and mental exhaustion as mentioned above,
* Using short term energy relieving behaviours (STERBs) to cope such as food, alcohol, drugs, shopping etc.
* Finding yourself being more short tempered with your family
* Seeing increased conflict within your family unit
* Wanting to get away from your children and needing more and more distance from them
* Feeling depressed, or anxious or panicked
* Feeling isolated and alone in your parenting
* Needing to sleep a lot, or not sleeping enough
* Having physical symptoms like headaches, stomach aches, joint and muscle aches that aren’t explained by a physical condition
* Finding it hard to make decisions (also known as decision fatigue)
* Feeling like you are failing as a parent
* Lacking in motivation, or being overly productive (cleaning, organizing in an unhealthy way).

What can be done about parental burnout?
The good news is, there are things that can be done to manage parental burnout if you are experiencing it.

1. Ask for help!
   This can be a tough thing to do, and can be a challenge if you are not surrounded by family and friends who can provide help. If you don’t have a support system nearby, try to connect with parentgroups or other parents at your place of work, or your child(rens) school or daycare. Knowing that many of us parents are feeling this way, other families would be more likely to support knowing that you are sharing this experience and can help one another out. Burnout happens when you are trying to assume all the responsibilities of family life and we can all use some support in this area!
2. Find a hobby that your kids can participate in too
   Making time to enjoy a hobby can be very effective in managing burnout, but without support it can be extremely challenging to carve outtime to enjoy hobbies. Finding something you can connect over and teach your children to do can be a great way to put the fun back into your relationship with your child(ren).
   For me, I love to read and have tried to foster a love of reading in my children. When I need some quiet time, I encourage all of us to find a comfortable space and grab a book each. I also enjoy taking my kids to the bookstore/thrift store with me so that we can all add to our book collection. If you enjoy hiking, biking, playing a sport, try to find a way to enjoy it with your children so you benefit from doing something you love with the people you love!
3. Be kind to yourself and let the small stuff go
   This can be the hardest thing to do as a parent, especially if you struggle with self-doubt and anxiety. It can be easy for our inner voice to tell us that we aren’t good enough and that our circumstances are our own fault. There is a massive pressure put on parentsthese days and social media means that we are constantly comparing ourselves to other people (friends, coworkers, influencers) who seem to have it all together. They don’t. So practice self compassion and know that you are doing the best you can, with what you have. Juggling a massive to do list won’t help either, there is not enough time in a day to be the perfect parent! Think about the tasks that you can let go of. If you are feeling overwhelmed and stressed, consider making a quick and easy dinner or ordering in occasionally, don’t put pressure on yourself to do the dishes right away, or to be involved in a school event if you don’t have the time. Depending on the age of your children, have them get involved with household chores.  Accept that there are other priorities in your life at that time and try not to feel guilty for letting certain things go. We have gotten so used to saying “yes” to everything, but it’s ok to put our own needs first from time to time.
4. Seek the help of a mental health professional
   If you are finding it impossible to manage the symptoms above, do not hesitate to reach outto a  trained professional to have the space to talk about what has led you to this point. If you don’t know where to begin, speak to your family doctor, or a nurse practitioner or call a local helpline to get some immediate support. Many mental health professionals offer free consultations for you to go over the main things you are needing support with and they can always direct you to other community resources that might help. There is no shame in feeling this way, or in needing to ask for support. If more parents speak up about this, we will all feel safer expressing our feelings of burnout. It’s not that you aren’t a good parent, or that you don’t know what you are doing. The pressures on parents/families is overwhelming and having a safe space to share these feelings can be a big help. Many therapists offer evening, weekend and virtual appointments too so that busy parents can find time that works with their schedule and responsibilities.

This article is not designed to replace seeking the help of a trained professional and is not considered to be complete. We hope it has been helpful and a starting point to recognize the symptoms and seek support.

If you are feeling that you are a risk to yourself or someone else, please call 911 or go to the nearest emergency room for help.